LEADING YOUR WIFE
I think of all the challenges in a man’s life, this is one of the greatest he ever faces. I would even go as far as to say that this particular time in history, the particular culture we live in with its pervasive feminism, its redefinition of womanhood and how this ideological lie has infected many Christian women today, makes this a much more difficult challenge than previous generations. Very few church leaders today have the courage to even speak on this topic and instead have acquiesced to or embraced cultural feminism. They know if they do speak out, they will be excoriated by the abuse, harassment, and slander of social media.
Another contributing factor that makes this a challenge for men today is that very few grew up in a home where they saw their father lead his wife, or their mother willingly and consistently follow her husband. There are very few “daughters of Sarah”. Most have no idea what this looks like. Many men grew up in a family where their mother acted like she was the head and leader of the family. Many women grew up in a family where their dad completely failed to lead, or checked out, abdicated his responsibility, or left the family. This has created much fear in women today that they also, will be abandoned or taken advantage of by their husbands so out of fear they fail to trust and respond to their husband’s attempts to lead.
Add to this the fact that our wife lives with us, day in and day out, and sees all of our flaws, our weaknesses, and failures and as a result this robs many men of their confidence to lead. One, because they are very self-conscious of their failures and shortcomings, and two, because often his wife throws them in his face to cut him down, or as an excuse not to follow him, which has a debilitating impact on her husband.
Finally, we must not forget this valuable insight God gives to Adam and Eve.
Genesis 3:16 (NLT)
Then he {God} said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain, you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”
I have observed this over and over again in marriage relationships. A woman’s desire to control her husband. This is something that in one way or another all women struggle with as it was part of the fall of mankind just as pain in childbirth was also part of the fall of mankind.
Men, we must remember our Lord words to us in
Ephesians 5:23 (NLT)
For the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.
Men, God has given you the place of utmost responsibility as the head of your wife, to love her and lead her. This is a sacred trust, given to us by God himself. Christ loves and leads his church, we are to love and lead our wife. Leading our wives is one of the greatest ways we love them. Most never seem to grasp this: Leading them is an act of love, of imitating Christ, not an act of selfishness or tyrannical rule. Of course, some men act like tyrants or act only in their self-interest, which is not the way of Christ at all. But the “daughters of Sarah” will put their hope in God, as Sarah did with Abraham.
It will take great courage and godly determination to lead our wives. We cannot shrink back from this sacred responsibility because we feel intimidated by them, or feel inadequate, ill-equipped, belittled, or afraid.
Over the decades of marriage and leading my wife, there have been some valuable lessons and insights God has given me, and I would like to share them with you.
1. Embrace and accept this responsibility given to you by God and make a conscious and intentional effort to become a Christ-like head and leader.
Men, this will involve a lot of self-discipline and self-leadership on your part. We must learn to think like Christ and act like Christ. We must vigorously seek the Lord and his wisdom and counsel. This is why I consistently search my Bible looking for the divine insights and wisdom given to us by God himself.
2. Be a good example to follow. Hypocrisy will make a fool of you.
Men, none of us is perfect. This is not about perfection, it is about consistency. When our wives see us leading ourselves spiritually, being a man who consistently, fervently seeks the Lord and sees our submission to God and His word in our own lives and our choices, this helps instill confidence in her, in our headship. Husbands always remember we also have a head, our head is Christ. (1 Cor.11:3)
3. Know the Gospel, believe the gospel, emotionally and mentally grasp the gospel for only the gospel of God’s grace and unmerited favor will help you overcome the shame and self-consciousness you feel about your failures and shortcomings as a husband and a man.
4. Remember the significance of the head and body analogy given to us by Jesus. The head, the brain, leads our body, makes decisions for our body, but the head also listens and responds to the particular body it has.
Recently I was on a walk with a friend. My right foot slipped off the edge of the sidewalk, causing me to badly twist my ankle and fall to the ground writhing in pain. No matter how much my head might have wanted me to get back up and walk normally, my ankle wouldn’t let me. My head wisely adapted to the hurt body part, causing me to limp, using my stronger leg to get back to my car, then drive home, and put ice on my very swollen ankle.
This picture given to us by God Himself has helped me immensely in leading my wife. My wife has certain health limitations. As her head, I make many decisions around those limitations as she is my body. I observe what her body is capable of, and what it is not capable of. I take into consideration as I lead, her unique personality, makeup, gifts and abilities, and physical infirmities. I also consider her preferences. This has given me tremendous insights into leading her more effectively and the things I ask of her, and expect from her. A wise leader knows well the condition of his wife!
5. Men, as the head we must, at times, make some very tough, difficult, and even unpopular decisions.
They might be financial, they might be geographical, they might be relational, they might be related to parenting your children, or following the way God is leading you.
Many years ago, I had to make a very difficult decision about the home we lived in. We could not afford to stay in the house we were renting that we had come to love. It just was not financially feasible, given the realities of the only job I could find. I had to make a tough decision to move us from this spacious, charming older home into a very small, older trailer home in a very run-down trailer park. I did all I could to explain it to my wife, to help her understand, but at the end of the day, it was still very difficult for her. I had no choice, we had to do it.
Many do not grasp the sacrifices my wife has made, even as we served the Lord and advanced the gospel and planted churches. For many years when I founded a church that met on Sat. nights, my wife and two small children did not attend that church with me. I could not expect her to be there on Sat. night, and the other church I was working with on Sunday morning. When I eventually planted a third church, she did not come to that one either. She did not have the strength or capacity to participate in all 3.
For those of you in Christian ministry and service, your life will often look much different than other peoples. It will involve some great sacrifices and economic hardships most others are not similarly facing.
6. Praying with your wife every day lets her see your tender, sensitive heart towards God and gives her a softer, more responsive heart towards you. It gives her greater trust and respect for the man who is her head and leader.
Men, please hear me again on this. Prayer is the most powerful thing in your marriage relationship. God moves mountains through prayer. God softens hard hearts through prayer. God builds greater unity and harmony through prayer. God works in your hearts through prayer. Prayer is a powerful act of faith and humility before God, that as you pray with your wife, she witnesses your submission to God, your gratitude to God, your respect of God, your faith and dependence upon God, and she can see you are not a proud independent man, but rather a man who is placing himself daily, humbly under the authority of God. Prayer changes things. God answers prayers. In addition, I always pray daily for my wife in my own private prayer time, bringing every request to God about her.
7. Effectively communicate often where you are going as a couple, why you are doing what you are doing, and how you are going to accomplish it. Many call this casting a vision.
Men, we must clearly articulate to our wives in ways they grasp and understand where we are trying to lead them and the family, why we are leading in that direction, and how we are going to get there and what we are hoping to accomplish. We must envision them and provide details and explanations they can understand.
For simplicity let’s take finances. I believe the Bible teaches us as Christians to be wise and frugal with our money, and good stewards of what God has given us. As a result, I have created a budget, clearly laying out the things we have to pay for to live on. I delineate each item. I also have a category for giving, saving, and long term investment for our later years in life when I am no longer able to work and ensure there are some funds set aside for us to live on. I then communicate all of this to my wife. I help her grasp where I am trying to get us, how we are going to get there, what kind of discipline and restraint it will take to get us there, so she grasps the reasons for our frugality, our restraint, and why we do the things we do with our money. I explain why we drive the older cars we do and live in the home we do and avoid the kinds of purchases that many other people freely spend money on. I give her regular updates on our situation and our progress, and where we need to possibly cut back and why. This helps her follow me more easily and readily. I have to help her understand our present reality and the future we are trying to get to.
8. Patience, patience, and lots of patience.
Men, just think how patient God is with you! I have been at this headship thing now for 41 years. It takes a lot of patient endurance to be married and to lead our wives. I have learned to be far more patient with my wife through the years, and there is no doubt whatsoever, she has been very patient with me and all my shortcomings. God’s grace has taught us both tremendous patience with each other.
I would like to encourage you to listen to this message series as I believe it will give you extremely valuable insights that many do not understand. It is called “The Truth About Men and Women.” It has been one of the most downloaded message series I have available on my website.
https://strongdisciple.com/
*Note: “Daughters of Sarah” refers to the text in 1 Pet. 3:1-6 and Sarah’s submission in Gen.12:10-20.
