IN DEFENSE OF FATHERS
My article today, for some, will be controversial. Some may vehemently disagree. That is, of course, your right to do. Others will wonder how I could ever defend what I am going to share. However, I am compelled to speak up. I cannot be silent in the face of the terrible injustice and abuse I see being inflicted on so many fathers. For many of you, this may resonate deeply, and help you understand the torture, torment, and personal terror many fathers are dealing with, and why I advise them in certain instances to walk away. Walking away is never the first go to option, but there are times when it becomes the only survivable option.
We are living in a time in history, in the culture of the United States, where feminism and many women have declared savage war on men, especially fathers. The courts of America, and especially the family courts, are incredibly corrupt. Time and time again they intentionally favor the woman/mother, and as a practice, generally swallow the lies that a wife and mother tell about her husband and the father of her children. The courts almost always operate from a sinister “believe all women” bias. I have witnessed this time and again, as have many others who’ve written well researched studies and books on this subject. I am absolutely shocked and enraged by the things that go on in these court cases.
I have had fathers I’ve worked with over the years, some I mentor and help even now, who are being put through nightmarish hell by their wives, accusing them of horrible things in the courtroom, and making their husband’s life a nightmarish, living hell. Women, who’ve gone to the dark side, who are terrorizing their husbands, using lawfare to destroy the father of their children. Fathers who are forced into crushing debt, spending tens of thousands of dollars trying to defend themself against lies, forced to pay for expensive counseling the wife demands for the children, often against the conscience of the father, and the courts almost always favor the woman in the end, no matter what he does. These dads are being crushed by the system and terrorized by their ex-wife.
Many of you may have your opinions, but few of you have been in the arena with these dads as I have, and heard and seen firsthand what they’re up against, and the personal destruction being inflicted on their life, and on their mental and emotional well-being. It is brutal psychological warfare being waged against them, and it is absolutely devastating.
I believe that in many of these situations it is in the best interest of the father to simply give up fighting at all for any custody of his children. The war these men are forced to wage is destroying them personally, and in the end, a financially, emotionally, and psychologically destroyed man is of no use to himself, or to anyone else. It is debilitating. He’s robbed of his dignity, his self-respect, shamed, and humiliated time and time again by these savage women, and the corrupt courts. I believe it is wisest to walk away from the situation, refuse to take part in this corrupt system, and simply let go of custody and let the wife have the children.
I am not advocating you abandon supporting them with child support. Absolutely not. I urge you to pay it. Support your children, write them birthday cards, send them birthday and Christmas gifts, and stay in touch with your children as much as you are allowed. I also realize you will have to pay spousal maintenance to a woman who has tried to destroy your life. But I am advocating you do not allow these women to abuse you, or terrorize and torment you through lawfare in the corrupt court system.
I think this is analogous in some ways to Moses, whose parents had to let him go because of a corrupt political system that robbed them of their ability to raise their son. It would have been a vain exercise in futility to try to fight Pharaoh.
Some dads may think this is giving up on their kids, thinking, “How can I let this terrible woman raise them?” I am sure Moses’ parents wondered the same thing as they thought of their son, Moses, being raised in the home of the man who murdered all those Jewish babies, when he commanded they be thrown into the river to drown. They may have even considered fleeing in the dark of night, trying to escape Egypt to protect their son, but realized full well they would be relentlessly hunted by government forces, never able to rest or find the freedom they sought.
Many men I’ve worked with, even when some of them, quote “win the court case,” and get some custody, the wife continues to torment them, change the rules of the game, take him back to court, force him to pay more legal expenses, and literally there is nothing he can do about it. It is pure, tormenting, living hell.
One day in the future, as the children get older or are young adults, when they can grasp and understand, you can explain to them why you did what you did, and why you had no choice. Even if it exposes the mother’s wretched behavior to them, you have every right as their father to explain to them in those years why you did what you did, and the reasons for your decision.
Let me clearly state—I am not saying every situation is the same. But many are as I have described. In those situations, I would encourage fathers to prayerfully consider what I’ve said, and for the parents of these men to support them, come alongside them, and let them know you are behind them should they decide to do what I have written about. Do not let your own affection for your grandkids, or the feeling of, “Well we may not get to see our grandkids as much, or at all,” cloud your perspective as to just how terrible your son is suffering, and what it is doing to him personally. Your adult son will need your full support. We must all entrust our grandchildren to the Lord no matter what their circumstances end up being.
Let me also state clearly—I am not advocating skipping valuable legal advice. Always get legal advice if and when you must walk through the divorce process. Never just wing it, or go represent yourself. That would be a costly mistake.
Helping you become a Strong Disciple,
Because of Jesus,
Pastor Mark Darling
