THE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT MAN
Recently, I reconnected with a Christian friend whom I have known for almost 50 years. We’ve been friends a long time, and were involved in the same group of churches. He’d recently gone through a personal tragedy and I reached out to let him know I was praying for him and to offer words of comfort and encouragement. After some email correspondence, he inquired about my situation, as he was vaguely aware of some of the things that had happened to me in the last 7 years. I passed on to him some of the comprehensive things I’d written about my ordeal, carefully explaining all that happened to me and my family. A few days later, I received an email back from him containing…10 words! 10 WORDS! I was shocked. After all I had given him to read, all I’d written to explain, helping him understand the gravity of what had happened, the tremendous injustice of it all, the heartbreak and the toll it has taken, this supposedly mature Christian man wrote back just 10 words! There was no empathy, no comfort or encouragement offered, no wise, thoughtful observations made of all I had written. There were just 10 stale, meaningless words.
I had a very similar thing happen with a pastor I had worked with for almost 35 years. He’d reached out, writing to me that he really desired to understand my situation. So in my genuine effort to help him understand, as he clearly stated he wanted to, I sent him an extensive explanation that took me several hours to write. His response–3 sentences! That’s right. Three short, empty, lifeless sentences. No empathy, no walking in my shoes, no astute observations, comfort or encouragement. Again, it was shocking and dumbfounding.
Why do I share all of this? Because it is imperative for men to understand this—If you want a successful, meaningful, fulfilling marriage; if you want to genuinely connect on a deep level with your children, to be an effective, successful father; and if you want to truly impact others around you for Jesus Christ and be a winsome, effective Christian, then you must develop and possess Emotional Intelligence. If not, you will be ineffective, exasperating, and hurtful to other people.
The longer I have walked with the Lord, the longer I have pastored people, the more I’ve been astounded by how many Christians are so emotionally unintelligent and unaware. You cannot truly walk deeply with God and remain emotionally unintelligent. You’re fooling yourself if you think otherwise. For the deeper you truly walk with God, the more you will become like Him. This truth indicates that many Christians are merely going through the motions of walking with God. They are, in essence, shallow and religious, but are not deeply walking with God. They remain dull and imperceptive. Unless you set your heart to develop this vital aspect of love, to excel in it, to exert yourself and grow in Emotional Intelligence, it will never happen.
Where is Emotional Intelligence in the Bible, you ask? That question alone reveals the desperate need to acquire it!
Say only what is good and helpful to others and what will give them a blessing. Words that meet the need of the moment, that give grace to the person you’re talking to—That’s Emotional Intelligence. You know how to use your words to bless, to encourage another, and meet the need of their moment. Your words give special grace to others’ needs or hurts.
Weep with those who weep, grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice—That’s Emotional Intelligence. You know how to join in the sorrow of another person, to feel what they feel and take your emotions there beside them. That may be in their sorrow, grief, and tears, or in rejoicing with them in their wonderful news or personal successes.
Pour out your hearts before Him—That’s Emotional Intelligence. You know how to walk through your emotions with God and manage them. To pour them out, to express your anger, hurt, sorrow, pain, frustration, weariness, anguish, and grief to the God you sincerely trust. You do not bottle them up inside.
Clothe yourself with compassion—That’s Emotional Intelligence. You know how to feel in your gut what others feel. Your heart goes out to them and you take the time to express that, to share their burden.
The tongue of the wise soothes and heals—That’s Emotional Intelligence. You know how to use your words to soothe the wounds and hurts of others. You understand the power of words to bring healing, comfort, and strength to the weary, broken heart, and you use them skillfully. Your words are life-giving.
I pondered my ways and examined my life—That’s Emotional Intelligence. You are keenly self-aware. You take the time to look inward, to understand yourself—your strengths and your weaknesses—and to understand your own emotional world. You’re not oblivious or blind to your own issues.
Please listen very carefully. It doesn’t matter how much Greek or Hebrew you know. I don’t care how much Bible knowledge you possess. I don’t care how many degrees you’ve acquired. Brothers, if you do not have genuine Emotional Intelligence, if you do not know how to empathize with people’s hurts, to genuinely comfort them, and tenderly minister to them, you really have no business trying to pastor. We are first and foremost in the people business. Our job is dealing with people, caring for them, shepherding them, ministering to their hearts and souls. Pastoring is not just standing in front of them at a church service, being a Bible professor passing on Biblical information. Don’t say to yourself, “It’s women who are built this way.” Did you forget Jesus Christ was a man? The most Emotionally Intelligent man who ever lived!
I close with this illustration. I have a very dear friend who’s been going through some extreme difficulties the last 7 years. They have been excruciating and severe. Many have terribly misjudged this person and his situation, causing him great pain and heartbreak. I have prayed for this man every day for all those years. I know their situation in great detail. Recently, I took the time to write out my own document, containing small synopsis-paragraphs of each major thing they have been through in the last 7 years. I wept as I wrote each one down and read them again. They broke my heart for this person. Seeing the clearly stated facts of their reality, put in my own words, written with my own hand, brought to my soul even greater empathy, compassion, tenderness, and understanding for their gut-wrenching reality. This is Emotional Intelligence. In fact, this is how you deepen your own ability to empathize and care for others. You take the time to walk in their shoes in great detail. For this my friend is being like God, who collects our tears in His bottle and keeps track of all our sorrows!
It’s time to become more like God!
Helping you become a Strong Disciple,
Because of Jesus,
Pastor Mark Darling
