Edition 92 – What Does It Take To Stay Married?

What does it really take to stay married to one person for the rest of your life?

If you haven’t realized it by now, marriage is the most complex relationship you will ever have. Marriage can be in one moment exhilarating, and in the next moment the most frustrating thing you have ever experienced. In one moment incredibly encouraging, the next moment deeply discouraging. You can find at any given time you love it, and then another time you hate it.

Some of you reading this may be in a very discouraging season in your marriage right now. You may be losing hope. You may be wondering to yourself, how will I do this for the next 40 years??!

All of us must understand that a lasting marriage will cost us. There is a tremendous price to pay, one that I wholeheartedly attest is worth every sacrifice you make, as it is those sacrifices over the long haul that enrich your life and your relationship more than anything else. But when you are right in the middle of the complexity, paying the emotional cost love demands, it can seem overwhelming and painful. At times very discouraging and not worth the price you feel you are paying.

This, of course, is because the devil will do all he can to lie to us, deceive us, work to divide us, discourage us and make us believe we are always and only, the aggrieved party in our marriage. That all this suffering is useless and won’t bring about anything good. Our flesh works against us as well, as it screams out for its own way and convinces us we are always suffering so unfairly, that our resentments are legitimate and well-founded. Our flesh and the devil work overtime to convince us that holding on to our grudges and our resentments is the best way to live. That the only way out of it is when our spouse finally does what we want them to or acts in a way that makes us happy.

This, my friends, is an extremely dangerous and deadly place to be in your marriage. In fact, it is the beginning of the end, even if the end is a long slow march, it will eventually lead to the emotional death of your marriage, and often to your divorce.

After 41 years of marriage, I would like to pass onto you what it will take for you to stay married for the rest of your life. These things are absolutely essential for your marriage to last a lifetime.

1. You must be willing to be wronged by your spouse.
There are just so many ways we can feel wronged. They weren’t kind enough. They weren’t understanding enough. They weren’t compassionate enough. They weren’t trustworthy enough. They didn’t remember something important. They don’t care enough. They don’t help enough! They don’t listen enough. They don’t love me enough. They don’t communicate enough. They aren’t affectionate enough. They keep taking advantage of me and mistreating me. And on and on and on it goes.

Love does not take into account a wrong suffered. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love overlooks an offense. All these are Biblical truths, commands of God, but in the arena of marriage, they cost you emotionally. It will hurt, but it will also save you!

2. Do not let resentment grow in your heart, it will destroy you and your marriage will not make it.
Resentment is a feeling of anger over being forced to accept something we do not like. It can be a multilayered emotion of disappointment, disgust, or anger. There will be many things in your marriage that will disappoint you, make you feel hurt, angry, overlooked, or mistreated. There will be many things that happen in your marriage and in life that are unfair, or that you feel are unfair. If you focus all your attention on these things and refuse to get a divine perspective on them, you will be filled with resentment and it will bury you and your marriage.

3. You must forgive your spouse, not once, not twice, but thousands of times over the course of your marriage!
Forgiveness is the greatest gift from God we have ever received. Seriously consider all you have done, all you do each and every day to sin against God. None of us deserves God’s forgiveness, ever! Oh, I realize that as Christians, who are sincerely trying to follow God, we may not sin as often, or in the same wicked ways, we once did. But, do we thank God enough? Do we praise God enough? Do we trust God enough? Do I pray to him enough? Do I yield to him quickly, joyfully, eagerly in all things all the time? Do I obey him always with a great attitude? Are my thoughts always righteous and upright?

Of course not. In other words, there are still many ways I wrong God and yet, over and over again He forgives!

Jesus told Peter, when Peter asked him, “Lord how many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Seven times?” Jesus answered “Not seven times but seventy times seven!”

Wow, that is a lot of times! Which is just how marriage feels at times. My spouse keeps wronging me! They keep sinning against me!

Jesus also told Peter this: If you who have been forgiven by God for all your wrongs yet do not forgive your {spouse} brothers and sisters, their sins, you will have a tormented, imprisoned life. This is what Jesus means in Matthew 18.

4. Admit you were wrong! Say you are sorry and mean it! Ask them to forgive you!
I cannot begin to describe the power and impact it has when I say, “Kathy, I was wrong, I am very sorry I said that, will you please forgive me?” This allows a powerful and important cleansing and reset of your relationship. It helps bring emotional healing in your relationship.

5. Grow wiser!
I can’t express enough how grateful I am to God, that he helped me grow in wisdom and understanding over the last 45 years. Listen carefully! It hurts to stay foolish and stupid! It hurts not to learn from our mistakes. It hurts us not to pursue with all our heart the wisdom of God found in his Word. We must intentionally seek the Lord and his wisdom, with a hunger and eagerness to grow and learn, or you will stay ignorant and keep doing the same foolish things over and over again.

6. All of us must learn to accept what God allows in our lives. We must trust God for our present situations!
If we don’t, life will defeat and destroy you. This is why faith is the victory that overcomes the world. This is why faith overcomes what the world and living in this world can do to us!

Faith sees what cannot be seen or felt. Faith clings to God despite what I feel, or what I am going through, no matter how difficult or unfair. Faith clings to who God is and what God says He will do!  Even if it takes years for God’s promise to unfold and be realized in your marriage, and in your life! Faith is the victory!

7. A consistent, committed relationship with God!
There is nothing in my entire life that is more important to me than my walk with God. If you and I do not walk with God each day of our lives, if we do not interact with Him, if we do not listen to Him through His word, if we do not seek Him each and every day of our lives, you will not make it. Oh, you may limp along, your marriage may survive, in some twisted fashion, but friends let me tell you, you will become a shell of the person you could be. Your marriage will become a lifeless, hollow place. You and I desperately need God in our lives above all other things. Never, ever forget that, or lose sight of that. As we seek the Lord and draw close to Him, He provides supernatural strength and sustenance for the difficult journey of life. He sustains us when we would otherwise crumble beneath the weight. He will give you the strength and the motivation to do these 7 things required of you, which will enable you to stay married for the rest of your life.