UNDERSTANDING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE
Psalm 139:1
O Lord, you have explored my heart and know exactly who I am. –Voice
O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. –NLT
One of the greatest comforts to my soul is the realization that God truly knows and understands me—who I am, what makes me tick, what I have been through in my life, how I feel, and why I am the way I am. This brings tremendous reassurance, security, and peace to my soul—to be so fully known and understood. What an incredible gift and blessing.
God does not project himself onto me. God understands and knows me for who I am.
In a similar way, this is without a doubt one of the greatest blessings and gifts you can give to the people in life that you love, especially your spouse and children.
When I first got married I did not really, truly know or understand Kathy. I had expectations. I often viewed her through the lens of my own personality, my temperament, my way of doing things, and simply expected her to be like me. To react just like me, to think just like me, to act in a relationship just like me. Unfortunately, my naivety, and even arrogance in this matter, led to some very difficult marital stress. I sincerely wish I knew then what I know and understand now.
But alas, I thank God for his patience with me, for my wife’s tremendous forbearance, and for the growth, wisdom, insights, and progress he’s made in my life when it comes to truly understanding the people I love. What a difference it makes in marriage and family life.
I would like to pass on some of the insights God’s given to me.
Patiently explore your mate’s heart and life. Learn their life story. Listen carefully to their heart, their history, their upbringing, their life experiences. My goodness, this will give you extremely valuable insights into their hurts, their scars, their traumas, and the way they view life, helping you understand the way they’re shaped. This will never happen all at once, but unfolds over time. As your spouse learns they can trust you, they will share more and more. Listen, listen, listen, very carefully. Put yourself in their shoes as their story unfolds. These things also apply to everyone in your life-circle that you love.
Learn to understand the difference between how you might feel or deal with something as a man versus how your wife, or daughters, will deal with something as a woman. Often, there really is a difference, if you are humble enough to observe, listen, learn, and understand.
Explore their personality and temperament, striving to understand how they directly impact them in their life, behavior, and their perspectives. Don’t just default to: “Hey, you’re a Christian, and as a Christian the Bible says you are supposed to do this, or act this way, or think this way, or be this way.” Of course, we are all growing in Christ, but do not make it your habit to harshly judge and criticize your mate or children. Seek to understand them as God made them uniquely.
One of my practices is to write down, for example, short descriptive paragraphs of all the difficult life experiences of the person I love—their sorrows, hardships, injustices, traumas, and trials in my journal. I also keep them in the forefront of my mind when I am dealing with them, and adjust my expectations accordingly. This is huge. It’s been a tremendous help in deeply understanding the people I love. So often, we just gloss over all the extreme difficulties another person has faced, or are in the middle of, and place such unrealistic expectations on them. If you’ve not taken the time to understand and fully grasp what they have been through, or are going through, you will greatly misjudge and mistreat them, no doubt about it.
Be extremely sensitive and aware of illnesses or sickness they may be going through, or even hormonal changes. This will help you be far more understanding of the people you love.
One of my greatest secrets for staying very sensitive to other people, and especially the people I love, is in my prayer life for them. I bring their hurts, traumas, trials, hardships, and difficulties to God in prayer on their behalf, on a daily basis. This keeps me hyper-attuned, attentive, and understanding, in ways I would not otherwise be, to the people I love and care about.
Make sure to imitate God and “explore” the hearts and lives of the people you love!
Helping you become a Strong Disciple,
Because of Jesus,
Pastor Mark Darling
