DEALING WITH DESTRUCTIVE PEOPLE
What I am writing about today some of you will not agree with. Others of you will find it to be a breath of fresh air, life-giving, and the permission you have long needed to walk away from some of the destructive people in your life.
I encourage all of you to consider this carefully. Don’t do anything that is against your conscience and listen attentively to what God may be revealing to you.
One of the most difficult aspects of life is dealing with destructive people. They cause so much pain, heartache, damage and tormenting distress. This is especially true when some of those destructive people are family members. I have counseled many Christians through the years who were deeply conflicted, whose hearts were in great turmoil because of the harm caused by a family member. As a Christian, they felt they had no choice but to take it, to repeatedly allow themselves to be mistreated, degraded and abused. This is especially true for those trying to honor their parents, but whose parents consistently degrade them, bully them, mistreat them, and repeatedly rob them of their dignity.
Is it right and Biblical to stand up for yourself? Is it right and Biblical to separate yourself from a fool? Is it right to “throw out the mocker” as Proverbs advocates? Is it right and Biblical to say, “enough is enough, you cannot do this to me anymore,” and refuse to be in relationship with them unless they repent and change?
Let me give you a few real world situations I have helped people with over the years. I trust they will be instructive and helpful.
Amy was a mom of several children. She and her husband were trying earnestly to follow the Lord. She grew up in a very difficult home environment. Her father drank often, and when he was drunk he would say, and at times do, very inappropriate things to her. He would even do this in front of the friends she brought home from school. Now she is a mom following the Lord and her dad is the grandfather to her kids. He wants them to stay over nights at his home to spend time with them. Yet, he still drinks as often as before. Up until now, she has found excuses for this not to happen, but he repeatedly bullies and berates her about it, and she is very worn down and deeply conflicted. She wants to protect her children. Her heart is full of turmoil about what to do. She calls me in tears, to fill me in on everything, and this is my advice to her:
“Amy, you are absolutely correct to be concerned, to want to protect your children, and to keep them from possibly being subjected to your father’s degrading mistreatment. That is not you living in fear, that is wisdom. I would encourage you to write a letter to your mom and dad. Describe to him, using a few examples, the things he did to you when he was drunk, when you were growing up. Let him know since he is still drinking you cannot allow the kids to stay overnight with him, as you are very concerned he will do the same things to them as he did to you. Let him know you will gladly bring the kids by for a visit, for pizza or something like that, as long as he does not drink, and as long as you are there with them. Tell him if he begins to drink while you’re there with the kids, you will leave.” She began to weep tears of joy, for she felt as a Christian she could never do something like this. I also encouraged her, “Before you do anything, talk this over with your husband, explain it to him and be sure he agrees. Then, before you write the letter, also be sure you are ready for the potential consequences. Your dad will probably become extremely angry, say all kinds of cruel, abusive things. Just stand your ground, stick to your decision, and be prepared if necessary to walk away from the relationship. If he calls on the phone yelling and screaming at you, hang up the phone. You do not have to subject yourself to his abusiveness.”
Rachel grew up with a very cruel mother. She had suffered real harm from her mother’s horrible, verbal abuse and degrading treatment. Rachel was older now with children of her own. She was earnestly following Christ, homeschooling her children, and doing her very best to love and raise her kids. Her mother would call her almost daily, and degrade her over the phone for home educating her children. She would say such cruel, harsh things to Rachel about her mothering, that Rachel was in a constant state of panic, fear, and distress of the phone ringing and it being her mom again. She was beside herself, sobbing on the phone asking for my advice. My heart broke for her. I tenderly told her how very sorry I was for the horrendous treatment she had been enduring. I commended her for her devoted mothering, and the sacrifices she was making to home educate her kids. I told her, “Rachel, here is my advice. Write a letter to your mom, tell her that you will not tolerate the degrading way she speaks to you on the phone anymore. Let her know that if she does call you, and she begins to yell at you and say degrading things, you will hang up on her.” Rachel was both fearful, and overjoyed at my advice. She did not think she ever had permission as a Christian to do this, or stand up for herself. She decided, after talking to her husband, to take my advice, and for a time she repeatedly had to hang up on her mom. I also advised her to unplug the phone during the school day so she never even heard it ring, to bring her some peace of mind. Eventually, things began to change a little, but she finally felt her dignity was restored, and at last she had some rest from the constant state of tormenting duress she had been experiencing for years. She finally began to feel empowered and free.
Many years ago, I had a young pastor call me, overwhelmed by the lies being told about him by some woman at church. She was sending him degrading, threatening texts, causing him tremendous emotional stress and pain. He was a wonderful, young pastor, I knew quite well. He loved the Lord, loved his wife and kids, would never harm them, and sincerely wanted to honor God. This lady was making his life a living hell. She was threatening to report him to social services, making up lies about how he treated his kids. It was despicable and inexcusable. She was lying about him on her Facebook to other church members, and spreading lies. He called me, brokenhearted, just shattered in spirit. I wept with him over the phone. I consoled him, comforted him, and vigorously leapt to his defense, my words dripping with righteous indignation! I told him, “Mason, you do not have to take this! What this woman is doing is intentionally terrorizing you! Since you have the text messages she has sent you with all her vile garbage, call the police, show them the texts and get a restraining order on this despicable woman.” He couldn’t believe I said this, that someone in spiritual authority gave him permission to do this. You could feel a thousand tons of weight fall from his shoulders. Then I said, “Mason, talk to your co-pastors about this as well, as you will need them to agree. Call an all church meeting, go on stage and explain what this person has been doing to you, without using their name. Let the church know the pain, anguish, and trouble this person has been causing. Also, let the congregation know that because you’re a church reaching out to so many broken people in your city—former addicts, people currently struggling with all kinds of addictions, and so many from broken families—that there will be emotionally and mentally unstable people that attend your church. This is part of why there are things like this happening. This will help the congregation understand and help immunize them from the impact of these kinds of things in the future.”
Mason decided to do both of these things. Fortunately, his co-pastors are very courageous and righteous men, who loyally supported him 100%. They agreed and backed him up completely.
He wrote to me sometime later expressing his deepest gratitude, “Pastor Mark, you saved my life. I was falling apart. I was so close to a breakdown. I am still in ministry today because of the advice you gave me that day.”
You see, no one had ever told any of these people they could do these kinds of things. No one had ever given them permission to stand up for themselves. To say, “No, you cannot do these things to me. I will not put up with it.” No one had given them permission to separate themselves from fools and mockers, as God advises in Proverbs.
I could share many of my own experiences with you from the last 50 years. There have been so many. I have endured much abuse, ridicule, bullying, degrading and dehumanizing treatment, even from some family members. I know the overwhelming, intense turmoil and pain, the damage this inflicts on a person. There have certainly been times I had no doubt that it was God’s calling in my life, in certain situations, to endure it for a season. But, there were other times I knew, it’s time to stand up, say loud and clear, “No more,” and walk away. I did, and I have no regrets whatsoever. That freedom is exhilarating. A life-giving elixir to your brutalized soul. I refuse to be other people’s whipping boy any longer. I’ve been tied to the whipping post far too many times. I will not let anyone ever rob me of my dignity again. I will not tolerate their destructive behavior.
Don’t let the “Fear of Man” trap and imprison you in cruel, abusive, degrading, soul- crushing relationships. David fled and separated himself from cruel, abusive King Saul, though they had been the best of friends, and Saul was his father-in-law. He did not stay and try to make peace with him. Joseph did not instantaneously forgive his brothers and make nice. He brought the full weight of his authority to bear on his cruel, abusive brothers until they shook in their boots with fear! Then they repented and he forgave them and heartily embraced them.
One final word of advice: Social media, smart phones, email and the internet have given bullies, fools and destructive people a powerful, destructive weapon to brutalize and terrorize your life. Lives and reputations can be ruined in moments. Make sure you take control of who you want to be friends with, block those you don’t, and by all means don’t spend time reading the destructive, cruel comments others may post or say about you, as they will live in your head, terrorize you and rob you of life and peace. This is one reason I refuse to have a smartphone, or a Facebook page, and stay off of all social media. I do use email, but if a person begins to try to degrade and terrorize me with their words, in reading their first few sentences, I delete it immediately. I will not tolerate destructive fools.
My heart is for each and every one of you. I know many are dealing with excruciating personal situations. I hope this article today gives you hope, insight, and the freedom you need to stand up and say, “No more.”
**Special note: For those of you who are interested in the ordeal I went through in 2018 and what it actually felt like and was for me, watch this deeply moving, true life story–Within The Whirlwind. It captures many, striking similarities to my own ordeal and will help you understand and experience exactly what it felt like for me, and some of the things I was forced to endure. It’s 99 cents to rent it on Amazon Prime.
Helping you become a Strong Disciple,
Because of Jesus,
Pastor Mark Darling
