WHEN OLDER KIDS WANT TO MARRY
Recently, I’ve had some of the men I mentor with older children preparing to get engaged. They asked me if I had any suggestions for them in helping them advise their children as they walk through this stage of their lives, or if there are specific things they should be thinking about.
I would like to pass onto you what I shared with them, as this is a very serious issue.
By way of background, these are devout Christian fathers who’ve raised their children in godly, Bible-based homes. Their older, young-adult child is in a relationship with another Christian as they consider marriage.
Many Christian young people naively think because they are in a serious relationship with another Christian, that they are a safe candidate for marriage. My years of vast experience have shown me otherwise. I’ve put together a list of simple, but thought provoking questions for you to share with your older children who may be in this situation. It’s also something you can use to sit down with them and the person they’re thinking of marrying, to walk them through, so they really grasp and understand just what’s really at stake. Many people, including older, married Christians who’ve walked with the Lord for a long time, have never even thought of the questions I’m giving to you, or the significant ramifications of how a person answers these questions and how they will impact a marriage.
Let me say—unless a young couple comes to agree wholeheartedly with each other in all of these, I would advise they not get married, as they are simply not compatible in the things that matter most.
Here are some questions to walk them through, so they think seriously about all of this ahead of time.
1. Do they want a Biblical marriage, where the husband leads, and the wife follows and submits? Do you fully grasp exactly what that will mean?
2. Does she plan on being a homemaker and stay-at-home mom, devoted to her home, and raising her children for Christ? Or is she thinking of having a career outside the home?
3. Are they committed to living on a single income? Is the young man prepared vocationally to provide that income? Are they prepared to live sacrificially to make it work?
4. Are you planning to homeschool your children, or put them in public school? What are your expectations?
5. How will you discipline the children? Are you willing to spank them as Proverbs teaches?
6. How many children would you like to have?
7. How do you both feel about contraceptives?
8. Are you committed to wise, financial stewardship? Getting out of debt and staying out of debt, other than say, a mortgage in the future? Are you committed to living within your means on a budget? What kind of cars are you planning to drive? Older used ones with no payments, or expensive ones with payments?
9. Are your Biblical beliefs and convictions aligned and the same? Or for example, is one strongly charismatic? Or other?
10. Do you both strongly believe the Bible is the word of God and do you daily read it, treasure its wisdom, and willingly submit to its authority, striving to live in obedience to it?
11. Are your political beliefs and values the same? Or is one a conservative Christian, and one a liberal, feminist christian? These values do not mix. They are antithetical.
These are essential ingredients to a lasting, Biblical marriage!
Beliefs have consequences! It takes more than love to make a marriage last. It takes meaningful, genuine unity on the things that truly matter in life. Otherwise, you will experience much strife, pain, heartache, serious disunity, and a house divided cannot stand!
There are no absolute guarantees that a marriage will last. All humans, including Christians, are susceptible to change, sabotage, destructive behaviors, hardhearted rebellion or betrayal, as we live in a very broken world, infected with sin. But the answers to these questions will help ensure you have the best possible chance of success for a lifelong marriage relationship.
Helping you become a Strong Disciple,
Because of Jesus,
Pastor Mark Darling
