WHEN KIDS LEAVE HOME
There’s a rite of passage every parent must walk through and navigate. That time will be here before you know it. The time when your children become adults and begin to leave home. Soon after, many will also marry, beginning families of their own.
It’s a time for many parents that’s unsettling, as they navigate a sense of loss. It’s also a time many parents are uncertain of their evolving role in their adult child’s life, especially as they marry and begin their own families.
Having walked through all of this 4 times now, with my kids moving out, falling in love, planning weddings, getting married, starting their own families, and raising their children, I thought it might be very helpful to you if I wrote on this topic, and pass on valuable insights, as you’ll eventually walk through all of this yourself. Often, no one really prepares you for these huge transitions and the new roles you’ll play in this new reality. I humbly offer you some of the insights and wisdom God gave to me.
Almost all of you in my Strong Disciple world are homeschooling parents. This means you especially, have heavily invested in each of your children. You mothers have spent a tremendous amount of time with each child when compared with families who simply send their kids off to school each day and are away from their children almost 40 hours a week, 9 months of the year, their entire lives. It’s only natural for you moms and dads to feel more deeply the loss when your children finally move out of the home and on their own. They’ve been your whole world their entire lives growing up. Give yourselves grace for this transition. Remember—this was why you devoted yourselves so fully and thoroughly to their education and character development all those years, as their mom and teacher! To send them out into this world for Christ’s sake and God’s glory, to be used by God.
Never forget your children are actually God’s. He gave them to you. He’s their Heavenly Father. Jesus Christ bought them with His blood and they are His. God has plans for them. Believe it or not, God cares about them and loves them even more than you do. These truths brought me great comfort.
Just as God gave you and I free will, the ability to make choices and decisions, our adult children also have this right, this gift from God. Each of them will have to own and practice their faith in a way they believe is best. In the way they believe God is leading them, in line with their personal convictions. You and I cannot control what they choose, or what they decide. That’s the great temptation for us as parents, the great challenge with our adult children. All their lives, as dad and mom, we were in control. We made the decisions. We made most of the choices for them. And of course our choices were the best ones, right?! So we like to think anyway.
I’ll never forget at each of my children’s weddings, it hit me–I am no longer the most important adult person in their life. I’ve just been replaced by the new love of their life. They will spend 2-3 times longer living with this person than they ever spent in my home, living with me. That really hit me in a profound way.
When your children marry, your relationship will change. Some will change dramatically for reasons that will not be easy for you. Such as, you simply may not get along well with their new mate. Your personality may clash with the person they marry, even though you may all be believers. Remember, they’ve become one flesh with this person, not with you.
Some adult children may move far away, some of your adult children may live close by. Do not feel guilty for having different types of relationships with different children. Some may be closer than others. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Some, you may have more in common with than others. Some may want a greater distance and some may want to remain very relationally close. Accept what is and make the most of it. Some may call or email you often, and some may hardly call or write at all.
I try my best not to put expectations on my children. They have kids of their own, very busy lives, many responsibilities, and they don’t need unspoken pressure from me. I don’t try to force a square peg into a round hole. We must give them the freedom to be themselves.
Our adult children will not each face the same degree nor the same intensity of trials, suffering or hardships. Trials, troubles and suffering are never equally distributed. They just aren’t. That’s a fact of life. My wife and I strive to be very attentive and aware of those going through difficulties, hardships and suffering. We strive to serve and help out in any way we possibly can. It’s never that we love one child more than another. It’s just simply a fact of life that some may have greater needs as a result of the trials, troubles and tribulations that come their way, than another child might have. One child may have a greater cross to bear than another. Therefore, the need to serve or give is greater, more urgent and necessary.
My wife and I see ourselves as servants to our adult children. God may call you to serve them in ways you never imagined. Servanthood is our calling. Yes, as we get older we have more limitations. Service comes in various forms. The need to offer encouragement, we strive to give it. The need to offer physical help, we strive to give it. The need to offer financial help, we do whatever we possibly can. I know many sources advise against this. Let me say, I derive my philosophy in this matter from God’s word, not this world. It is more blessed to give than receive. Do good to all men but especially to the household of faith (all my children are not only my kids but my fellow believers). If you see a brother or sister in need and do nothing, how can the love of God live in you? Let us not love in words only but in deeds and in truth. The generous man will prosper. I can tell you this, I would rather help one of my children in need than go on any trip or vacation. I would rather help one of my children and their family in need than drive an expensive car, or spend money on myself. I know what it’s like to have great financial struggles and hardships. Always remember helping your children in these ways is laying up treasures in heaven!
My wife and I pray together every day for our children. The challenge of adulthood, parenting, life, is so much greater, so much harder than being a child. They desperately need our faithful prayers on their behalf. In fact, I pray every single morning for all of my children and their families myself, and then later in the morning I pray with my wife for all of them again. We bring each of their individual needs to God, not just the lazy, cheap, shotgun approach of, “Lord, bless our kids.” They desperately need God’s miraculous help, and His supernatural provisions.
Strive to be understanding as a father, and mother. Do your best to be supportive, and encouraging. Your adult children may face some challenges that you’ve not had to face in the same exact way, or never faced at all. It’s imperative you’re sensitive, compassionate and understanding. Open your eyes, walk in their shoes, and by all means be empathetic, not judgemental, harsh and condemning.
I try to give my children the benefit of all the wisdom I’ve gained over the last 50 years, and the benefits of my life’s experiences. Some, they’ll find useful, at other times not so much.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of how good, faithful, generous, kind, full of grace and compassionate my own Heavenly Father has been to me. Everything I have, He gave to me. I strive most of all to be like Him towards my own children, in the same way He has treated me, His child.
Helping you become a Strong Disciple,
Because of Jesus,
Pastor Mark Darling
