SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T
One of life’s most difficult lessons is—Sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you must tap out. Many of you are UFC fight fans. One of the most important, observable lessons on any given night, is that even the best fighters in the world can be put into a submission hold they just can’t get out of. They have to tap out. They have to admit to themselves that all their great training, all their great skills, and all their great strength and experience, will not get them out of the rear naked choke. The only way forward is to tap out, to admit, they can’t do it.
This concept is extremely difficult for many Christians to accept. They conclude since nothing is too hard for God, since nothing is impossible for God, then nothing is impossible for them, if only they have enough faith. But we forget we are not God. We forget there are times we come up against things, or people or situations that we just can’t handle any longer. There are times we must tap out and find another way forward. That may mean getting someone else’s help. That may mean leaving a thing altogether. It may mean we need to separate ourselves from the destructiveness of another person. That there are some people we can no longer have a relationship with.
This can happen as a parent, as a spouse, or as an employee, to anyone. Over the years I watched people torn apart, because they wouldn’t admit—I can’t do this.
It might be that you’re trying to love your alcoholic spouse, no matter how many times they get drunk, cause serious disruptions to your life and your family, or squander tens of thousands of dollars on alcohol. It might be having a child or teen who is out of control, and you’ve tried everything, yet they continue to degrade you, bringing great harm to the family or your marriage. It could be a work situation, where you are enduring tremendous injustices over and over again, you feel sick everytime you have to go to work, the stress is so great on you, no matter what you’ve tried, the situation doesn’t change.
You are not being a weak, wimpy, disobedient Christian when it becomes clear, after trying for so long, I can’t do this. I must tap out. I must find another way forward.
Please don’t misunderstand. Of course I believe in the sanctity of marriage. Of course I know God hates divorce. Of course I believe you should try everything possible to save your marriage. But, some marriages are simply not salvageable, because of the utter unrepentant intransigence of one of the spouses. They have tormented, and repeatedly hurt their spouse so much, so often, that the other spouse has to tap out. They simply can’t do it anymore. They cannot change the destructive behavior of their cruel, unrepentant spouse. If they keep trying it will personally tear them apart.
Some children, whether through severe emotional problems, drug use, or their own destructive, rebellious behavior, make it impossible for you to parent them. You need outside help. Some may need to live in a special home for a time, or go to treatment, or live apart from mom and dad, as it is destroying your lives and your marriage. You have to tap out, you have to find another way forward.
I know of a devoted homeschooling mother, a very godly woman, who loves her children tremendously. Very effective teacher. Yet, one of her children struggled greatly with their speech. No matter what she tried, this child just could not progress. Finally, she admitted—I can’t do this. She tapped out. She found another way forward, getting the child some special help several times a week from a person trained specifically in speech issues for young kids. Today that child is thriving, with a 4.0 in school.
In 2018, after 31 years of devoted service, the men I worked with and the organization I founded were putting me through living hell. Many times during the previous 31 years, I’d suffered numerous, difficult personal attacks, several traumatic situations, many brutal, emotional blows to the head. I kept going, I fought on. However, in 2018, I realized through much prayer, I’d been fighting in the spiritual boxing ring for a very long time. I’d incurred many blows, many emotional concussions. I realized at this point, I couldn’t take any more kicks in the head. These men were literally destroying me by their actions, and their horrible, unjust decisions. I had to accept and admit, I can’t change these men. I can’t change the lies they’re embracing. I can’t change the insanity of the situation. This cannot be salvaged. I knew this time, I couldn’t take any more of these traumatic, savage punches to the head, or gut wrenching betrayals. I knew I couldn’t sustain any more damage. I couldn’t waste any more precious time putting up with such destructiveness. I must tap out. As David fled Saul, I fled them. I must find another way forward, create a new way to serve the Lord, to fulfill my God-given calling to serve others, to provide for my wife and I, no matter what other people think of me, or conclude about me. I knew what God thinks. I knew what God had shown me to do. It was without a doubt, the right decision. One of the most courageous and faith-filled I’ve ever had to make.
Without realizing it, Christians often idolize and worship perfection. They refuse to face or see reality. King David was this way with his destructive, foolish, treacherous son Absalom. David’s General, Joab, had to set him straight and wake him up to reality. Absalom had to go.
Pride can bring us low, pride can make us blind and stupid. We must possess the humility to realize—Sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you must tap out!
Helping you become a Strong Disciple,
Because of Jesus,
Pastor Mark Darling
