CRUEL AND INHUMANE
Those are strong words. Yet this is exactly what I’ve witnessed happening to many men in their marriages. For almost 40 years of full time ministry, I’ve counseled and taught hundreds of men, taught couples through Marriage Conferences, and counseled couples seeking advice. I discovered so many men who’ve greatly suffered through what I am sharing today. I urge you to give it very careful consideration.
Often an analogy can help us see a reality we never grasped before. They can awaken our heart and mind. Much like Nathan the Prophet’s story of the poor man’s only lamb, beloved by his children, stolen from him by a wealthy neighbor to feed his guest. It shocked King David out of his sinful stupor, inflamed his desire for justice, and brought about his deep repentance and change, when he realized the analogy was about him.
My prayer is that this analogy I’ve shared with others, many times over the years, will become an “AHA” moment in your life, profoundly affecting your marital love.
I am sharing it in the form of a letter, written to a fictitious couple, seeking my advice. This analogy has helped many realize a reality few ever hear addressed in the church.
Damien and Lena
I am very grateful for the opportunity to help you with your situation. Please be assured, I write all of this from a heart of genuine concern for your best interests.
I want to share a very important analogy with you to illustrate something of tremendous importance. I doubt you’ve heard this before in this way.
I want you to imagine you’ve just gotten married. Damien tells you he’s going to put a padlock on the refrigerator door. Once a week he will unlock it and let you have a little bit of food to eat from it. He then proceeds to move forward with his plan, in fact, frequently he only opens it once a month, sometimes, not for many months. You’re starving, you’re so hungry. You have a legitimate, God-given, physical need to eat something. You can’t stand the waiting so you break down, go to the store and buy something for yourself. Sometimes you even go out to eat. Damien putting a padlock on the refrigerator door, is of course cruel and inhumane treatment of you. It is wrong in every way, doing you real harm.
I’ve observed over the years, through the experiences of men I’ve counseled, as wives have withheld themselves from their husbands, sometimes weeks at a time, others for months at a time. I’ve even counseled men and couples where the wife has withheld her body from her husband for years. This cruel and inhumane treatment drives the husband crazy, hurts his spirit deeply, and creates for him overwhelming temptation. As a result, some fall in some way, whether with something he looks at or something he does. Of course, the husband is wrong to do these things. I am not proposing that the husband isn’t wrong. But it is absolutely wrong for a wife to withhold herself from her husband, treating him in such a cruel and inhumane way, then blame their husband for falling, when it was the wife’s mistreatment of him that drove him to it. In addition, wives often share themselves with a begrudging attitude that destroys a man’s self-esteem.
A husband has a need for his wife that is every bit as vital to his life as food. It is a God-given, legitimate need.
I see no one honestly addressing this in most churches today. Men are almost exclusively, always blamed for not controlling themselves.
Lena, it is extremely important that you understand this in order for your marriage to thrive in the years ahead.
I share all of this out of a heart that cares deeply for you and Damien and the success of your marriage.
I hope that you husbands reading this will share it with your wives in the event they do not receive my weekly articles. It is imperative they understand this truth.
I would also like to recommend your wife get this book. My wife highly recommends it. It was a tremendous help to her. The book is called Intimate Issues, by Linda Dillow. It wisely, Biblically and openly addresses the many questions and struggles women have with this issue. I promise you, it will be a great help to your wife and your marriage. You can find it used, very inexpensively, on Biblio.com.
I also urge you both to reread Proverbs 5:1-20 NLT. You will see that in essence, the writer, in his advice to his sons to avoid future immorality, tells them God’s solution is for a man to be refreshed, exhilarated, delighted, richly satisfied, and captivated, with his wife’s body at all times! Wives, your husband needs your willing access to your body for him to obey these commands! God commands him to do this! You do him and yourself great harm by shutting him out.
Also, carefully reread 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. Most Christian couples forget this is even in the Bible! Again, observe these directions are from God. Failing to practice this in your marriage is cruel and inhumane.
Read this verse below. Be blessed, be warned! Don’t be cruel and inhumane!
Proverbs 11:17 NLT
Your own soul is nourished when you are kind, but you destroy yourself when you are cruel!
I sincerely hope this article will help strengthen and bless your marriage. That is my only intention.
Helping you become a Strong Disciple,
Because of Jesus,
Pastor Mark Darling
